She tells me she is disgusted with herself. We are walking in the field. She isn’t going to Wisconsin. Fuck that. I don’t, we don’t need that. I’m sticking here, where I grew up. She walks in front of me and the sun is setting and she turns to shadow and there’s just orange glowing around her. I don’t want to keep walking. I keep walking, and then she stops and takes the joint out and we smoke it. I don’t like her. I don’t like this girl. I don’t know what I’m doing here. She’s too fat. She’s too weird and she’s too fat. Where are we going, I ask her. I don’t know. I’m not going to do this. I start walking in the grass. It goes up to my knees.
I wake up in a car. She’s playing radio static again. Grey everywhere. Turn it down, I tell her. She turns it down. I fall asleep. I wake up in my bed. My head hurts like hell. I feel like I slept for a long time. I can’t get up. I wake up in my car. I’m driving down a road and all the trees look green and blue and white and orange. I look at the speedometer, I’m going five below. I look in the rearview mirror, nothing, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I miss you, Mom.
I have a hand in my pocket as I walk to the grocery store. I’m going to buy some apples. I feel around for the dollars I put in there. The automatic door opens and I feel cold, then warm, then medium, then warm, then cold. I walk. I see a display of green apples. I feel them on my fingers. I walk back to my car with the apples.
Sometime that night, I sneak down to the basement and take a screwdriver from my dad’s toolbox. I go to my room and take an apple from the bag. I sit at my desk and dig the screwdriver into the core, make another hole with a hollowed out pen, put a chunk into the center, take a lighterlight it, inhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, inhale, exhale. There really isn’t much to do.
I go to sleep at three. I have a dream about a couple of guys that break into a high school in the middle of the night and pee on everybody’s locker. Then the police come and they can see the floodlights turning everything white and suddenly I’m one of the guys and I have to say “I love you” because that’s the line in the play but it all seems too real and I can’t believe that we’re in a play, I think we’re really going to die, so I take a gun from the cabinet near the door and shoot my accomplice three times in the chest. His blood is bright blue and splashing like paint and starts looking more and more like paint then I close my eyes and open them and see blue flowers on a carousel and I close my eyes and I’m afraid to open them but I force myself to, to wake myself up, and I see my bedside table and I’m not afraid anymore. I’m awake. Then everything turns blue.
I miss you, Mona. These are the words that were in my head as I walked to class that day. It was pouring rain out, but the sun kept shimmering through the raindrops, making it bearable, somehow. I miss you, Mona… I miss you… and I hate you forever! Suddenly, I found myself smiling as the rain smashed against my face. I realized I was free at last from that fat bitch that tried to control my life. I control my own life! So I went to the grocery store and asked Mindy to the dance!
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,849 Reviews
Hello lin night.
First off: Please, please, please go back through this and look for any grammatical errors. There are many, but nothing really major.
Second: Like SeraphTree said, you do need to do a lot less telling and a lot more showing. I can't feel for the character and thus cannot thoroughly enjoy the story. Try putting in more detail and instead of saying, 'I did this, I did that. I went here, she went there', try adding descriptions of who she is, where we go, etc. Don't just say, 'I went to the grocery store. I bought apples' as it gets really annoying to your reader.
Third: I honestly didn't really get what this piece was about. What was going on? Showing this would help, instead of just saying it.
Other than that, this piece was alright. Definitely needs some patching-up, but it has potential. Keep it up!
-Mays
I agree with SeraphTree that you need to get into his head more, and show some more depth with your character. I was very confused throughout the piece, mainly because I didn't get what it was about. I also think there needed to be more commas in passages such as:
His blood is bright blue and splashing like paint and starts looking more and more like paint then I close my eyes and open them and see blue flowers on a carousel and I close my eyes and I’m afraid to open them but I force myself to, to wake myself up, and I see my bedside table and I’m not afraid anymore.
I read aloud softly from time to time, and well, it was quite a mouthful getting this sentence out. Also, I didn't really understand the apple part. I mean, I understood it, but how is it relevant to the story? How is it relevant to the girl, Mona?
On the other hand, I like the way you wrote this. Telling sounds quite poetic in my opinion. Just be sure to add some more information though, seeing as you probably don't want for your story to sound poetic. I also think that you need to add more commas, and make the point of the story clear, because I don't get it.
I can tell that you have talent. You just have to shape this one up a bit, and I bet that when you do, it'll be outstanding. I would love to see that draft. Good job. =]
This is a lot of telling.
I wake up in a car. She’s playing radio static again. Grey everywhere. Turn it down, I tell her. She turns it down. I fall asleep. I wake up in my bed
I do this. I do that. Give us some feeling mon! "I woke up with a splitting headache and that noise I knew too well..." etc. Also, you need to work on your transition. He falls asleep and wakes up in his bed. What?
I miss you, Mona. These are the words that were in my head as I walked to class that day. It was pouring rain out, but the sun kept shimmering through the raindrops, making it bearable, somehow. I miss you, Mona… I miss you… and I hate you forever! Suddenly, I found myself smiling as the rain smashed against my face. I realized I was free at last from that fat bitch that tried to control my life. I control my own life! So I went to the grocery store and asked Mindy to the dance!
If this is about him being controlled, you need to SHOW him being controlled. So far she has done what he says, from what I gather. This has no depth at all. Get into his head more.
PM me if you need anything